Why I don't drive.

In high school I took a driver's training course. I was scared to drive, but I did relatively well. Except for one time.

I don't know what was with me that day. I guess I was in a bad mood. The whole time that I was driving I just felt pissed off. I don't even remember now why I was so mad.

It was one of my first times driving on the freeway, and I was cruising right at the speed limit, heading toward a familiar exit. I took the exit, which would lead me to a traffic light. The light was red, but for whatever reason, I did not want to stop, or even slow down. I could see no cars coming from the left and decided I would make a right turn at the light without stopping.

Suddenly I was aware that the car was braking to a stop. The instructor grabbed the steering wheel and wrenched it out of my grip, lurching us to the side of the road onto the gravel. Then he started shouting at me, chewing me out for not stopping at the light and not even slowing down. I didn't say a word. I didn't try to explain myself to him or even say I was sorry. The realization that I was in the wrong was slow to dawn on me.

I wonder sometimes about what was wrong with me that day. Driving on the highway, I had felt overconfident, cocky I guess, like I could do whatever the hell I wanted and get away with it. When the instructor pulled the car over and yelled at me, I still felt mad, like someone had taken something of mine away and I wanted revenge. When I started to calm down, my anger was replaced by a sort of gnawing dread. It was like I'd abruptly turned evil and not noticed until it was too late. Later on I felt horrified that I had been so stupid, and so uncaring about anything.

I had to drive a few more times before the course was over, and of course I made a point of not letting anything like that happen again. If anything, my driving was more timid than before. I got a good grade for the course. But once it was done, I didn't want to drive again. I was just too scared.

It's just so easy to feel drunk with power behind the wheel of a car sometimes. This is also why I don't want to learn how to use a gun. You can do everything right, learning how to handle a firearm safely and responsibly, but all it takes is one burst of anger while you have a gun in your hand to do some serious damage. How well do you trust yourself?